silently

Currently It's Not My Time

I don't feel anything, I'm numb. no, wait that's not entirely true. I can feel a hole in the center of my stomach, like the black holes you hear about in your science class over and over, every year and as if 5 years wasn't enough you hear about it again in high school. I also feel my heart throbbing in my chest hoping to be ripped out. Free itself from my chest just to run away from the pain. This excruciating pain that doesn't seem to mind that my heart is growing weak day after day. and the muted, silent shouts that echo inside my body and make me fold my knees into my chest. I open my mouth and it still doesn't escape, not one tear. not even one WTF is going on. It would make it so much easier to cry but my eyes seem immune to my pain and then I think maybe more pain maybe it will help. Or maybe if I bleed so i take this knife to my wrist but I don't have the balls to push it hard enough and let it penetrate my body. maybe a walk a walk in the middle of the street. If only I was lucky enough to have a car hit me and send me flying hundreds of feet in the air, then maybe then I will be freed of this pain. but of course the situation is too perfect, there is rain in the ground and it is dark out but not one car, 20 mins...half an hour. I'm getting bored and it's finally setting in that this is a stupid idea. So I walk back to my apartment. turn the lights off and shut my eyes.