:)

I feel beautiful today.

While my plans last night were completely ruined L I must say I feel much better today. I got up really early and decided that another unexpected expense was not going to ruin the rest of my week. I made up my face really pretty (I wish I could share but I’m at work atm) and just that was enough to make me feel glamorous. Aside from all this I have lost 6lbs since June 6^th when I began making changes in my life that will only improve it in the long run.

So I must say it’s going well, and this is just what I needed because this series of unfortunate events really knocked me down. Especially this past weekend, I’m not too sure what that was about but I’m glad it’s over with. ❤

Xoxo, Katherine

Where do I go from here?

Have you ever stopped long enough to ask yourself if you're truly happy? For so long I fought to hang unto a life I believed made me happy. I sat in my high chair looking down on those who I deemed lived their lives in an improper manner. What ever that mean. I keep reaching for a life that I believed I wanted because everything else was too mundane and I refused to accept that as my future. I continued to chase butterflies in a field of roses with thorns thick enough to severed my organs. I thought to myself that it was okay, "pain is part of the process", and "it'll all be worth it in the end". Has it? no it hasn't, it was a hell that I made for myself because I am not accustomed to give up. I refused to quit because that was no way to succeed but the fact of the matter is that "Vitality shows not only in the ability to persist, but in the ability to start over." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

I now realize that sticking to a plan that continues to fail no matter what you do is not the answer, instead it is important to take the time to analyze the situation entirely and figure out whether or not is will be worth it to continue with that same plan, or to begin from zero all over again. I didn't have the capacity to make that choice once I got to that point and it was instead made for me. "Divine intervention" at it's fullest. I am grateful for what has happened although it hurts. And as living proof I will tell you all that bad habits are hard to quit. I am sitting here with all this knowledge yet unable to mourn for what I've lost. It's creeping into my mind however and I am slowly allowing myself to hurt. All this pain is tough to handle and I feel like I need a friend, someone to confide in entirely because I can't handle it anymore. I don't know how to make myself feel better and I need a friend who wont bullshit me, tell me what I want to hear or grow tire. I need a willing ear and a kind heart. It's hard because I've been that person to many plenty of times yet I don't know if anyone can do that for me. Partially is my own fear of opening up and allowing my feelings to flow and secondly is the fact that I'm not too sure who remembers me for who I was and ignore the perfected things I've told them.
I hurt, but I can't cry. From the first day of these trials that God has put before me I decided that I was okay, and that I didn't need anyone's help because I was... unaffected by the circumstances. That's the first place I reach to. "I am okay, I know it was for the better and if this is God's will then I know things can only get better." I say this to everyone but I don't believe any of that. I like everyone else want to know why?! why couldn't things workout how I thought they would? Why did things have to happen this way? Why can't I feel safe or trust anyone? Why do I feel so alone yet I put a smile on my face every single day?!

I have lied to everyone and to myself for so damn long I don't even know how to begin to feel. All I know is that this feeling of despair has been creeping up on me for the last couple of days and I feel destroyed. I try to put words to my feelings and I can't even begin to tell you it goes as far back as when I was a child. I always gave people more credit than they deserved. I didn't want anyone to feel bad so I took that unto myself, and I decided that I wouldn't let things hurt me. This time something's broken, maybe I've had enough.

I feel like crap.

ugh. I have had to face a lot lately. I've made some pretty bad choices and I handle things very poorly. Actually that's an understatement, I haven't handled things very well at all.

No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as a manor of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

I thought that by isolating myself I could deal with my issues and then reconnect with those I love once I'd become a better version of myself. Instead I grew prideful thinking that I was doing what was best for me. I've become the worse I've imagine myself to ever be. I deprived myself of any true bond. And here I find myself, lost, lonely and confused. I don't know how to get back what I've lost.

I've hindered every relationship in my life, I grew apart from my family to the point that I dont know them and can't connect with my friends. I let pride defeat me. If nothing else I have become more humble and maybe with time I'll get my life back on track.

I had Butters in my mind...

"It's okay, if you have a little frightDon't you worry, I won't bite (not that hard)If you wan't it, I'll give you powerJust be gentle, I'm delicate like a flower"

For all of you with a dirty mind, I just really enjoy the parts of the lyrics above :)

What a morning already

Im so stressed out!

I would usually let a conversation like that one I had with a client on the phone throw me into some kind of downward spiral of self-hatred and my life gone bad. But today I will not! As fcuked up as it may be for someone to hang up the phone on me after calling me useless I realize that it’s not my fault. There is nothing that I can do to help this man and I could’ve gotten his hopes up and wasted his time so that we can get $450 credit but instead I didn’t. I told him who to call and he lashed out on me.

I’m still angry about it, but I’m learning that there is no point in me being upset over someone that I barely know acting childish toward me. That person clearly has bigger troubles ahead of him than whatever I can say.

It’s funny though, whenever someone angers me I imagine myself in tight black leather pants and jacket, with villain’s make up on ready to blow up that person’s home. Watches out people…don’t unleash me. Ha ha I would never. But it relaxes me.

Thank you lord! For giving me the virtue of patience, and understanding. I am grateful.

Uninspired.

Presently I find myself wanting to shut my eyes and disappear into a blissful dream. It's always taken me a while to react to things and I still don't fully think that I am reacting strongly to this all. I guess such a big part of me is fighting despair and the other is completely apathetic because why should I feel that way? It is completely inconvenient to feel this way.

How am I to find my creativity when my heart and mind are both stoic? Well I guess my only choice is to take a nap and remember that I am better than this. It's all pretty simple (in)fact. Why allow something that I have no control over to bother me. Or is it the fact that I have no control over this that bothers me?

Let's explore that for a second. Power is invigorating, I feel comfortable with power. Now I'm not in a position to call any shots not that there are shots to be called. I am simply sitting in the plane waiting for it to take off but without really being able to get off.  As a matter of fact that is perfect, that's exactly how I feel.

Ampersand