"Disappointed because her hopes have not come to pass and she fears coming up with new goals will only lead to further disappointment. These conflicting emotions lead to a feeling of anxiety and depression. she tries to escape into a peaceful and calm relationship which offers encouragement and protection from further disappointment."
They read me like a book. I've been thinking like this a lot lately, which is very unlike myself, I just don't see the point in getting my hopes up any more.
So was I fcuked up for saying that?
A couple of weeks ago, through a series of unprecedented events I met a boy. He is almost of a different breed and as much as I'm not ready to let myself get caught up in emotions I find myself wanting to be around him. He's sweet, very honest, fun and really likes me...a lot. Which may be the primary reason why I enjoy myself so much when with him, I mean who doesn't like being praised. [CUT-TAG="More ramblings here..."]
I was clear with him from the start, told him that we should get to know each other but he continues to push for emotions out of me. He doesn't know how much I think things through and how things have to make almost perfect sense to me before I can accept them. I almost envy his ability to trust his instincts. At the same time, it's not me, not who I am and I can't betray myself in that way. He wishes I would fall in love with him and talks of a future that my mind wont process.
I'm still in love with my ex. I feel it in my heart. Although that's not a river I plan on swimming in ever again, it's hard to let go of that idea when it was part of me for so long. Also there's an unequivocal feeling inside of me that still hopes he will do something gallant and maybe things could work out. but that's just how I am.
J is not without fault. I do not intend on making him out to be a king, but it is a relief from the usual. I always feel like people want something from me, and I'm often able to figure out what it is right away but with him it's not like that. He doesn't want me to leave, but he's willing to visit me. Unfortunately that's also not something that I see happening in the future. As selfish as it may be, I don't want any strings.
My reasoning is not in trying to keep my options open, quite the oppose in fact. I do not plan nor hope to be with anyone any time soon. For the first time in my life I feel like my future is a blank canvas. I can do anything I want with it without making room for anyone else. I don't have to worry about going to school to satisfy my mom, a boyfriend, a job, nothing at all. I am deeply thankful to my mother for providing me with this opportunity. I rather see this as a chance to figure out who I am and what it is that I really want in this world as opposed to calling it quits and failing.
Anyways I am in a way thankful for J. In no way shape or form to I wish to be selfish...but I must admit that it helps.
I really don't know what's wrong with me. I've had a hard month, although in a way it's been the most fun I've had in years. But do I really want things to be this way? All this drinking and smoking, meeting new people, going to different places, watching the sunset and sunrise every weekend...It's exhausting. Granted it's not like it's been that wild but it's been more so than in a long time and some people keep pushing for things to escalate and continue this way. NO! I need my sleep.
I went on a date yesterday [CUT-TAG="More Here..."] and the guy is supppeerrr sweet. I don't know if God is messing with me or what, but I always told my ex that I wanted him to be a little more romantic and show more passion and blah blah blah, but this new guy is almost suffocating. He's extremely honest (or else he's full of it) and everything that he feels he says. He's kind of pushy though and to the point that I'm turned off by it. Sure I want a guy to tell me he loves me once in a while and how much they can't live without me and need to see me....but not when it's only the third time I hang out with you.
He has gentleman qualities, and seeing how much he likes me only helps my self esteem but at the same time I'm not looking for anything serious and he is. I rushed into this and I really don't see a nice way out but lets see how it plays out.
-_- Kat
I have so much anger and rage inside of me that I feel as if I am going to split. I have to act all well behaved but everything is getting to me. And I want to yell at the top of my lungs and tell the whole world to SHUT THE FUCK UP.
*sigh*
maybe I'll move to Canada and change my name -_-
