silently

Currently It's Not My Time

I don't feel anything, I'm numb. no, wait that's not entirely true. I can feel a hole in the center of my stomach, like the black holes you hear about in your science class over and over, every year and as if 5 years wasn't enough you hear about it again in high school. I also feel my heart throbbing in my chest hoping to be ripped out. Free itself from my chest just to run away from the pain. This excruciating pain that doesn't seem to mind that my heart is growing weak day after day. and the muted, silent shouts that echo inside my body and make me fold my knees into my chest. I open my mouth and it still doesn't escape, not one tear. not even one WTF is going on. It would make it so much easier to cry but my eyes seem immune to my pain and then I think maybe more pain maybe it will help. Or maybe if I bleed so i take this knife to my wrist but I don't have the balls to push it hard enough and let it penetrate my body. maybe a walk a walk in the middle of the street. If only I was lucky enough to have a car hit me and send me flying hundreds of feet in the air, then maybe then I will be freed of this pain. but of course the situation is too perfect, there is rain in the ground and it is dark out but not one car, 20 mins...half an hour. I'm getting bored and it's finally setting in that this is a stupid idea. So I walk back to my apartment. turn the lights off and shut my eyes.

QUOTES!

there are some people in life that make you laugh a little harder, smile a little bigger, live a lot better, and just love a lot more. (:

you cant change who people are without destroying who they were.

you're only as good as the love you have for other people.

so i'll walk the plank & jump w/ a smile if i'm going down, i'll do it in style. you'll never hear me surrender,

music speaks what cannot be expressed. soothes the mind and gives it rest. heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul.

so, the heart is said to be the strongest muscle in the human body. then, can somebody tell me, why it breaks so easily?

don't worry about your reputation; worry about your character. see, your reputation is what people think you are. your character is what you really are.

we come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfectly person perfect.

i will disappoint you. i am everything i say i'm not, i'm nothing i say i am, and i am everything i wish i wasnt.

i wish you were here. but your not here. you're there. and 'there' doesn't know how lucky it is.

You have three choices in life. you can give in, give up, or give it your all.

hold on baby, you're losing it. the water's high and your jumping into it and letting go... and no one knows that you cry, but you don't tell anyone that you might be the golden one and you're together with a smile; but you're coming Undone.

sometimes, they don't hate you until your back is turned. sometimes, they don't love you until your dead.

whoever says they are perfect, is the most flawed of us all.

new york's the spot, let's stay up all night, not say a word. let our eyes do the talking, we're meant to be, let's just run away.<3

i've never told a lie, and that makes me a liar. i've never made a bet, but we gamble with desire; i've never lit a match with intent to start a fire, but recently the flames are getting out of control.

Nobody said it would be easy. they said it would be worth it.

Before you say you hate someone, think: if they died, would you care?

i can keep a secret if you can keep me guessing the taste of your lips is enough to keep me pressing.

its been a long year. the hardest year of my life. i've shed some tears, but you've never seen me cry.

it breaks your heart when people you know become the people you knew. when you can walk right past someone as if they were never a huge part of your life. you used to be able to talk for hours on end, and now you cant even look each other in the eye. it completely breaks your heart to know good things change, and you can't do anything about it.

[[what]] i need to live is given to me by EARTH. [why] i need to live is given to me by YOU.

getting an abortion doesn't make you 'unpregnant'. it just makes you the mother of a (dead) baby.

when i was in grade school, they told me to write down what i wanted to be when i grew up. i wrote down 'happy.' they told me i didn't understand the assignment; i told them they didn't understand life.

isn't it funny, how day-by-day: nothing changes. But whenever you look back, everything's different?

choose your words wisely. put your brain in gear before you put your mouth in motion.

i'd rather be known for what i did, than be known for who i did.

too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want; to impress people they don't like.

&& baby, if he's dumb enough to let you go, i hope you're smart enough to Walk away.

i'm probably in the sky;
flying with the fishes; or in the ocean, swimming with the pidgeons; SEE, my world is different.

welcome to a world, where being yourself just isn't enough.

i'm a mess; and usually my room is, too. my clothes are a little too TIGHT, && at times i show a little too much skin, i obsess over boy and get hurt too easily.. i'm your average, unordinary, teenage girl<3.

your heart is a river that flows from your chest through every organ. your brain is the dam, and i am the fish who can't reach the cord.

love is not what makes the world go round. love is what makes the ride worthwhile<3.

Although we adore men individually, we agree that, as a group, they are rather stupid.

if you don't know how to fall, then you'll never learn to fly<333.

i'm not afraid of falling; it's just a sign that i've climbed too high.

The only things that stand between a person and what they want in life are the will to try it, and the faith to believe it is possible.

sometimes, all it takes is
another chance to get things right.

isnt it ironic? how we adore the people who ignore us, and ignore those who adore us? love those who hurt us, and hurt those that love us.

Giving up doesnt mean your weak;
sometimes, it just means your strong enough to let things go.

I always knew that looking back at the tears would make me laugh, but i never knew looking back at the laughs would make me cry.

If you really want her
tell her;; because she can wait
but she cant wait forever.

let's commit the perfect crime;
i'll steal your heart, you steal mine.

take nothing but pictures;
Leave nothing but footprints.

I want someone to fall in love with
the way I laugh and fall in love with
my smile. I want someone to listen
to the ramblings of my inner child.
Someone who touches my face and
brushes the hair from my eyes.
I want someone who loves me or
at least holds me like they do.
But I only want that if its you.

When I'm older & my little girl
Asks me who my first love was..
I don't want to have to pull out an
Old photo album.. I want to be able to Point across the room and say
"He's sitting right over there."

Holding onto broken hearts
memories are what's left of us
you're trying too hard to be my friend
& i'm placing all our pictures in
these broken frames to remind
me never to fall in love again.

Don't give up on love because there is
always someone who loves you, even if it's not the person you were hoping for.

We're all a little weird. And life's a little
weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up in mutual weirdness and call it love.

So let's drink to the truth. Let's speak through drunken minds & say how much we truly love each other & tomorrow, we can go back to pretending that we hate each other.

No matter how many times he hurts me, I will always forgive him.
Some may call it stupid. I call it love.

whoever says they are perfect,
is the most flawed of us all.

just things...a bunch of things.

Currently Breaking It Up By Lykke Li

   Today has been a particularly different day. I woke up and was soon extremely happy when I realized that I have lost more weight, I boiled some water and made myself green tea. showered, did my hair and make up and laid out the clothes I'd wear for work later on. I spoke to Rosy for a while who I have again neglected, since it has been a week since i spoke to her (i<3 u) and was just hanging out until the time to leave for work came.
I got a call back from this cc company that I had left a message for regarding a claim and they denied my complaint and told me I had to pay off my balance immediately WTF???!!! i of course do not have the means to do that so I made a down payment and set up a payment plan to pay it off in six feasible payments since I wouldn't be receiving statements because they closed my account. I was taken so off guard that I just agreed to everything and just said fcuk it. cc companies made a whole mess out of my mom's credit which was absolutely great so I didn't want to put up a fight and be dragged into a big mess like her, having to call all these numbers and what not. but still I was annoyed.

When something happens to anger me or upset me i usually get over it in a couple of minutes and  go on with my day, but being that the holidays are coming and i will have to travel home and buy gifts and spend so much money, it kind of put me in a weird mood. I was all of the sudden really upset and then everything that is not right in my life right now came to mind and got me even more upset. Now, I'm not used to being upset like this (it happens very seldom) and the rest of my night was kind of like that, one of my friends got me talking about my current situation with my boyfriend ex boyfriend and that ofcourse made me feel even worse. I am not sad but i am unhappy. I am not angry but I am disappointed. I am not hopeless but I am worried. and worse of all I am very lonely and not to mention confused.

one thing that does make me happy is cleaning with the music on, because I dont have to think just focus on getting everything clean. I cleaned the apartment on wednesday but my room is still full of clean clothes waiting to be folded and refolded neatly...so I will go do this now because I know it will help me clear my head.

How far would you go for love?

 

I first became completely obsessed with Cartier's love bracelet (below) after seeing it on an episode of CSI:NY and researching it. Typically the way that it works is that it can only be taken off if unscrewed and the man who gives you such bracelet would keep the "key" or screw that comes with the bracelet as a symbolic gesture meaning commitment and a promise. They can choose to wear it around their neck. The whole idea is pretty old love like and romantic, althought there are many feminists out there who refuse to accept this as a declaration of love but rather as a sign of ownership (bet none of those women have ever falling in love anyways).

"The original provocative bracelet
-created in the 1970's- which could
only be opened with a tiny
screwdriver. It soon became a piece
of cult jewellery for modern day

Lovers." (cartier's site)

So the pros: its a great gesture because what woman doesn't love jewelry, or cartier for that fact; especially with a meaning like that. You can custumize it to fit your personal style. the con: it's over $3,000.00.

enough said....but it is cartier

Their slogan for the new LOVE campaign is "How far would you go for love?"
My answer: very but if a guy is spending $3gs on jewelry it better be a diamond ring. :)

What is the most inspiring book you've ever read?

Absolutely and without a doubt I know this much is true ~ Wally Lamb. This book thought me that by coping with all the failure and loss in life you can overcome all that is rotten and find something that works, and something that's worth moving forward for.

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

Finding "I"

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking soul searching about where I wanted Xanga to take me. Well not really Xanga but this blog. I've kept a journal since the time I turned 10 years old and my mother bought me a beautiful lilac diaries. She thought that since I read so much, I would probably enjoy writing just as much- and she was right. For years I wrote in these pages my daily activities, my dreams, goals and expectations. I never really wrote down my secrets because let's face it, those standard locks they put on diaries are not exactly mom proof, and although I never caught her I couldn't risk being too careful.

 

About the time that I entered High School I discovered the large collection of Journals sold at Barnes and Noble and since those four years were anything but uneventful I went through a myriad of these journals--needless to say my obssesion continued through out college too. Thus when I was unable to write in my journal for lack of words I felt lost and like I needed a way to channel my thoughts through writing. Today I reached a realization and this is it: I needed a change, for the last year I have felt uninspired and bland.

I've been rethinking my life and I feel somewhat unsatisfied with things. At some point I thought "Here I go again doing what I do best and changing my mind about things and not commiting to anything long enough to actually see the results"IT'S TIME TO CHANGE THAT !!

Mix things up and live a little LOT. So now that I've decided I need a change of pace, the next thing I am going to do is get my affairs in order. I now understand that change is developmental, transitional and transformational. Change doesnt happen overnight and it is important to have my goals clear in my mind in order to achieve them, no matter what life throws at me.

No matter where we are in our lives, it's never too late to re-invent ourselves and move foward with what we want our lives to be like. Don't allow yourself to get stuck in a life that you're not happy in. It is never too late to make a difference in your life. If you're unhappy DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. and that's why I will keep telling myself.

"Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is nonexistent. And don’t bother concealing your thievery—celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean-Luc Godard said: “It’s not where you take things from—it’s where you take them to.”~ Jim Jarmusch

Cause work is so GODDAMN boring!!!!!

How old were you when you had your first relationship? 

Real relationship I'd have to say Eric (first bf Ramon)

Are you taken/single?  taken

  How old were you when you had your first kiss?  ha ha seven
  What color is your underwear?  black mesh
  Do you like anyone right now?  yeah, I suppose
  Ever had your heartbroken?  yup
  Miss anyone right now?  yeah
Who was the last person you sent a text to?  Eric
Last person to text you?  Eric
Last person you saw? Kate and Tess
What was the last thing you said to someone? 
to Kate: If it was something private I wouldnt be doing it here
  Who is top in your top friends?  All of u
Why?  cuz I love you
Who do you trust the most in your life?  me, myself & I
Who do you love most?  my brother
Ever been in love?  yup
Who has hurt you the most?  Eric
Has a tragedy ever happened in your life?  no
Are you happy?  yes
How many good friends do you have?  Five
Are there some songs you cant listen to because they remind you of someone?  yes, por amar a ciegas
Have you ever cheated on a partner?  no
Ever been cheated on?  not to my knowledge
Ever been told someone loved you?  yes
Ever told someone you loved them and meant it?  yes
Not meant it?  yes
Ever had your heart broken?  yes
Are you happy with where you are relationship-wise now?  yes
  What is your idea of true love?
true love... it's when you love someone beyond your control.and they love you back just the same.
When they slip, do you think you can let go the small stuff?  I have
Do you believe in love at first sight?  no
Why or why not?
I think loving someone requires you to truly know a pperson for who they are. and you can't do that at first sight.
Do you believe that it is best to have a friendship first then love? 
yes, but often times that leads to no friendship after love.
  o you believe that love can be found in bars or is that too much of a risk? 
It can be because regular ppl go to bars so why not.
Should people go to bars to find love?  no. go to bars to drink.
Or should they go to places where people who like what they like hang out? I suppose so. that would make more sense and seems like it's more likely to work 
  Should men and women be expecting the other to buy the other gifts?  yes. i do lol
Who should wear the pants in the relationship or should it be a mutual give and take? 
mutual give and take but I am a little old fashioned and like for guys to step up and be in charge.
  Should chauvinists of either gender be in a relationship? 
They can be ofcourse but I doubt that relationship would be successful.

monday mornings are NOT my fortè

two bars, one fresh boy, and a long train ride home later my night definitely turned out far more exciting then where it seemed to be heading at around 8pm.

NYC in the mornig however, is a different story. As I headed out of my house this morning to begin a not so excitig journey back to CT, I was met by noisy streets and a crowd of overly energetic children on their way to school. A few minutes later I found myself in a train car filled to maximum capacity with caffine ridden New Yorkers who did not hesitate to dig their elbows with malice into my ribs when trying to squeeze their asses into seats next to me.

I am always amazed at how quickly this dear city of mine changes during rush hour. I wish everyone would just take some zanex and relax but where would the fun be in that???

Anyways, I am going to bask in the enjoyment of traveling in an unusually spacious bus ride. seems like a well earned reward after such an eventful weekend.

 

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

and my night keeps getting better…

so after three drinks i pay my tab…under $20 thats what i like. i walk to 23rd to meet one of my BFFs ROSY :) yay!! we are going to another bar. lets see what happens now.

xoxo,
ego

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

our best self

sometimes we lose focus of the importance of ourselves. we spend our entire lives learning how to satisfy others. our parents our teachers our friends and boyfriends then the husbands and kids and lets not forget our bosses. but sometimes its good to get back to simply satisfyig ourselves.

my plans changed a bit today and i found myself dress and made up with nowhere to go. i have an iphone full of contacts and yet i have neglected so many of my friends that i found myself in the end alone and again with no where to go.

but thank god im in NYC so i decided to let my metrocard take me to 42nd street. then with the help of my savvy iphone i found Zumi this great little jazz bar in 43rd and 9th. the home to an energetic and lively bartender who makes delicious captain and cokes and so my night worked out great after all…

its good to be out with my best self tonight. dressed up, gorgeous, adventurous, and thank god blissfully happy.

xoxo,
ego

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

just for you.....

Self importance

I have found myself very concerned when trying to make decisions with what others (my family, friends, and society alike) might think or how it might affect others. It is a very tiring process to factor in other's feelings and opinions into even minor things like making plans that might exclude some friends, or not answering a call because quite frankly i'd rather just not listen to a person go on and on about something i really just don't care about.

I tried to explain these thoughts to one of my friends who is often criticized for her way of living which includes not caring about anything but pleasing herself and her answer was this... in the end you have noone to answer to but yourself, so do what feels right and fcuk the rest. - but it seems as if everytime I do that, I am not left with satisfaction, instead just a feeling of guilt that seems to consume my everythought until I do something that makes me feel like I have made up for my previous actions. It just seems like I try to satisfy all and end up satisfying none, least of all myself.