17 October, 2012
19 August, 2011
My Chemical Romance
Can't run from you
I just run back to you
Like a moth I'm drawn into your flame
Say my name, but it's not the same
You look in my eyes I'm stripped of my pride
And my soul surrenders and you bring my heart to its knees"
09 August, 2011
I love this song and pretty much listen to it on a daily basis while I'm driving home from work... I like to pretend that my day "starts" after leaving work :) but I had never, not once seen the video until today and I can't believe how funny it is.
"Tomorrow I'll wake up, do some P90X
Meet a really nice girl, have some really nice sex
And she's gonna scream out: 'This is Great'
(Oh my god, this is great)
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
– Theodore Seuss Giesel
"You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you."
Three days to go! I'm actually beginning to get excited about leaving this place. I've learned a lot working here but at the same time I realize that it's time to move on. I've reached my limits. I'll continue to try helping others, in a different way. Hopefully in a more meaningful way, as this proved to be futile.
I think that I'm going to really like working with kids as much as I didn't think so before. All I want to do is inspire people to be better to each other.
Laying on the couch yesterday I realized something else that kind of blew my mind. So simple yet I hadn't noticed it. I was sitting there trying to figure out how to make myself forget about Eric. Whether I hate him for not loving me or if I wanted to make him see that he should love me...then I thought to myself, Kat he's not yours. He doesn't belong to you because you love him. Let him go, let it all go. So I am grateful as always for all the time we spent together, and now I'm at peace because as much as I love him I can't make him love me, it wouldn't be fair to me to keep myself in that state of mind.
Things are clearing up some what. I was looking at myself upside down in a mirror and I couldn't remember who I was anymore. I lost myself . Going back to NY is bittersweet because I initially wanted to go back because I knew it would make him happy, now of course I have a million and one other reasons.
07 August, 2011
it's raining really hard, i always love it when it rains this way. i can't believe that in a week i wont be here anymore. Everything that i set out to do here was accomplished...far more than what i imagined happened and i'm better for it. i pray to God to protect my heart, thus not allowing changes to transform me into someone i don't know. [CUT-TAG="More Here..."]
currently listening to:
06 August, 2011
For far too long I thought that strength was suppresing my feelings and going on about my business as normal, but in the end long run i broke down ... and NOW it's time to stop. This is the last time (i hope) that i'll let it out again. Time to start my Happy season ッ
...in my life, and it's hard because you were my best friend. You know my deepest fears, things i can't even say outloud to myself. & now you're gone and i'm just supposed to be okay with that.
You told me so and then you kind of took it back, and I was desperate enough to accept that. I thought that you at least respected me & in some way valued our friendship. [CUT-TAG="More Here..."]
Of the same arguments, the same feelings of despair, missing you, wanting you, trying to get closer to you. Last night i felt ridiculous and i thought to myself Kathy have more self respect- stay away. This time I knew it was really over and i finally feel like i can breathe.(
"Cause something changed, you were acting so strange
And it’s taken it's toll on me"
"Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I’m seein myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought I'd say
and maybe i'll be able to fool myself into thinking that this never happened.
"I set fire to the rain,
and I threw us into the flames,
well it felt something died,
'cause I knew that that was the
last time, the last time"
"Sometimes I wake up by the door,
that heart you caught must be waiting for ya."
01 August, 2011
- Knowledge, which encompasses formal education as much as the lessons we learn from life and each other.
- Companionship, or else what would we all be doing here? Family, friends, significant others...
- Love, for ourselves, and everyone else.
31 July, 2011
"Disappointed because her hopes have not come to pass and she fears coming up with new goals will only lead to further disappointment. These conflicting emotions lead to a feeling of anxiety and depression. she tries to escape into a peaceful and calm relationship which offers encouragement and protection from further disappointment."
They read me like a book. I've been thinking like this a lot lately, which is very unlike myself, I just don't see the point in getting my hopes up any more.
28 July, 2011
- ME: so are you going to say hi or you're just gonna keep poking me lol
- E* Lol...hi gorgeous
- ME: lol how are you?
- E* I'm ok .a little thirsty right now.. Lol
- ME:you should do something about that
- E* Only ur lips can take my thirst way;)
- ME: wow that's a bit much to take in, it's our first conversation.
So was I fcuked up for saying that?
26 July, 2011
A couple of weeks ago, through a series of unprecedented events I met a boy. He is almost of a different breed and as much as I'm not ready to let myself get caught up in emotions I find myself wanting to be around him. He's sweet, very honest, fun and really likes me...a lot. Which may be the primary reason why I enjoy myself so much when with him, I mean who doesn't like being praised. [CUT-TAG="More ramblings here..."]
I was clear with him from the start, told him that we should get to know each other but he continues to push for emotions out of me. He doesn't know how much I think things through and how things have to make almost perfect sense to me before I can accept them. I almost envy his ability to trust his instincts. At the same time, it's not me, not who I am and I can't betray myself in that way. He wishes I would fall in love with him and talks of a future that my mind wont process.
I'm still in love with my ex. I feel it in my heart. Although that's not a river I plan on swimming in ever again, it's hard to let go of that idea when it was part of me for so long. Also there's an unequivocal feeling inside of me that still hopes he will do something gallant and maybe things could work out. but that's just how I am.
J is not without fault. I do not intend on making him out to be a king, but it is a relief from the usual. I always feel like people want something from me, and I'm often able to figure out what it is right away but with him it's not like that. He doesn't want me to leave, but he's willing to visit me. Unfortunately that's also not something that I see happening in the future. As selfish as it may be, I don't want any strings.
My reasoning is not in trying to keep my options open, quite the oppose in fact. I do not plan nor hope to be with anyone any time soon. For the first time in my life I feel like my future is a blank canvas. I can do anything I want with it without making room for anyone else. I don't have to worry about going to school to satisfy my mom, a boyfriend, a job, nothing at all. I am deeply thankful to my mother for providing me with this opportunity. I rather see this as a chance to figure out who I am and what it is that I really want in this world as opposed to calling it quits and failing.
Anyways I am in a way thankful for J. In no way shape or form to I wish to be selfish...but I must admit that it helps.
19 July, 2011
I really don't know what's wrong with me. I've had a hard month, although in a way it's been the most fun I've had in years. But do I really want things to be this way? All this drinking and smoking, meeting new people, going to different places, watching the sunset and sunrise every weekend...It's exhausting. Granted it's not like it's been that wild but it's been more so than in a long time and some people keep pushing for things to escalate and continue this way. NO! I need my sleep.
I went on a date yesterday [CUT-TAG="More Here..."] and the guy is supppeerrr sweet. I don't know if God is messing with me or what, but I always told my ex that I wanted him to be a little more romantic and show more passion and blah blah blah, but this new guy is almost suffocating. He's extremely honest (or else he's full of it) and everything that he feels he says. He's kind of pushy though and to the point that I'm turned off by it. Sure I want a guy to tell me he loves me once in a while and how much they can't live without me and need to see me....but not when it's only the third time I hang out with you.
He has gentleman qualities, and seeing how much he likes me only helps my self esteem but at the same time I'm not looking for anything serious and he is. I rushed into this and I really don't see a nice way out but lets see how it plays out.
18 July, 2011
I have so much anger and rage inside of me that I feel as if I am going to split. I have to act all well behaved but everything is getting to me. And I want to yell at the top of my lungs and tell the whole world to SHUT THE FUCK UP.
maybe I'll move to Canada and change my name -_-
14 July, 2011
A curious human from a well-ordered but loveless future, P-A-X-497/341 (aka Pax), played by Barry Watson, returns to the year 2011 to satisfy his curiosity about such archaic concepts as love, passion and winds up making his own discoveries when he meets the woman of his dreams, Elizabeth Barrett, portrayed by Sara Rue, a newly published romance novelist.
When Pax doesn't return to the future by the given deadline, Bob (Fred Willard), his fellow scientist, travels back in time to find Pax. Meanwhile as Elizabeth is helping Pax learn about love, she ends up confiding in her colleague, played by Valerie Harper, about her own upcoming "surprise" engagement.