11 June, 2011

Where do I go from here?

Have you ever stopped long enough to ask yourself if you're truly happy? For so long I fought to hang unto a life I believed made me happy. I sat in my high chair looking down on those who I deemed lived their lives in an improper manner. What ever that mean. I keep reaching for a life that I believed I wanted because everything else was too mundane and I refused to accept that as my future. I continued to chase butterflies in a field of roses with thorns thick enough to severed my organs. I thought to myself that it was okay, "pain is part of the process", and "it'll all be worth it in the end". Has it? no it hasn't, it was a hell that I made for myself because I am not accustomed to give up. I refused to quit because that was no way to succeed but the fact of the matter is that "Vitality shows not only in the ability to persist, but in the ability to start over." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

I now realize that sticking to a plan that continues to fail no matter what you do is not the answer, instead it is important to take the time to analyze the situation entirely and figure out whether or not is will be worth it to continue with that same plan, or to begin from zero all over again. I didn't have the capacity to make that choice once I got to that point and it was instead made for me. "Divine intervention" at it's fullest. I am grateful for what has happened although it hurts. And as living proof I will tell you all that bad habits are hard to quit. I am sitting here with all this knowledge yet unable to mourn for what I've lost. It's creeping into my mind however and I am slowly allowing myself to hurt. All this pain is tough to handle and I feel like I need a friend, someone to confide in entirely because I can't handle it anymore. I don't know how to make myself feel better and I need a friend who wont bullshit me, tell me what I want to hear or grow tire. I need a willing ear and a kind heart. It's hard because I've been that person to many plenty of times yet I don't know if anyone can do that for me. Partially is my own fear of opening up and allowing my feelings to flow and secondly is the fact that I'm not too sure who remembers me for who I was and ignore the perfected things I've told them.
I hurt, but I can't cry. From the first day of these trials that God has put before me I decided that I was okay, and that I didn't need anyone's help because I was... unaffected by the circumstances. That's the first place I reach to. "I am okay, I know it was for the better and if this is God's will then I know things can only get better." I say this to everyone but I don't believe any of that. I like everyone else want to know why?! why couldn't things workout how I thought they would? Why did things have to happen this way? Why can't I feel safe or trust anyone? Why do I feel so alone yet I put a smile on my face every single day?!

I have lied to everyone and to myself for so damn long I don't even know how to begin to feel. All I know is that this feeling of despair has been creeping up on me for the last couple of days and I feel destroyed. I try to put words to my feelings and I can't even begin to tell you it goes as far back as when I was a child. I always gave people more credit than they deserved. I didn't want anyone to feel bad so I took that unto myself, and I decided that I wouldn't let things hurt me. This time something's broken, maybe I've had enough.

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