Crossroads...

“Stand at the crossroads and look;

ask for the ancient paths,

ask where the good way is, and walk in it,

and you will find rest for your souls." -

Jeremiah 6:16

 

11 months ago I boarded a bus heading to an unfamiliar location in PA where I was to have an encounter with God. I was a wreck inside. Nothing that had happened in my life the months leading up to my encounter made sense. I pretty much felt like I was existing but not really living. At that point in my life I felt that if I died, I wouldn't be particularly too upset. I have never cried as much as I did that weekend. It completely saved my life as I thought that I was living a pretty normal life but realized how empty I was inside.

 

My entire life I've been good at school, had a handful of friends and loved my family. I had always been an over achiever and strive to be a hard worker - my mom was my inspiration because she has accomplished more than any other person I know. I thought I had things well figured out, living on my own I had a boyfriend and I we had our troubles (serious ones) but I still knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I kept telling myself that it was a matter of time until I was truly happy. But all my efforts proved to be futile. The more I did, the more I kept living there more difficult things became. The more I had the more I wanted. I masked over any pain and chose to focus on the good but you see that's only avoiding the issues.

 

For I was an optimist, or so I faked.

 

My life was truly turned upside down when I truly realized God's love for me. To think that He could forgive ALL of my sins and make me new again. I had heard about God all of my life, but I had never known God as I now do.

 

I would love to tell you that everything in my life is just perfect, that I do not need for anything and that I'm never sad. The truth is that I have struggled with a lot of the same issues throughout these eleven months. I've been unemployed for the past 4 months not receiving any income and behind on rent. I still struggle with choices. I have sinned, lied, feared worried.

 

What I can tell you is that I love God and I know who I am in God's eyes and because of this each morning I wake up and thank God that I am alive, I pray to God that I may be strong against temptation, I pray for guidance and I praise HIM! The inner peace and joy that I have in my heart is greater than any need. We live in a world where sin, temptation, and vulgarity surrounds us, there are still people who will cause rage in us and situations that are out of our control. But because I know that there is a God that loves me and who made me with a purpose I refuse to let this world consume me. I have faith that my Lord will raise me from this situation because it is only temporary. I will continue to praise God and I must admit that the decisions I've made are to blame for my current situation. God is so good that He uses the people around me to remind me of His purpose in my life.

 

If you feel God's call, answer it. Talk to Him because He desires a relationship more than anything. God doesn't ask you to be perfect, all it takes is a loving heart.

 

Xoxo, Katherine

 

 

 

**I'm yours**

Mood:
Content

Playlist:
Apocalyptica
Smashing Pumpkin
My Chemical Romance

 

"I'm not strong enough to stay away
Can't run from you
I just run back to you
Like a moth I'm drawn into your flame
Say my name, but it's not the same
You look in my eyes I'm stripped of my pride
And my soul surrenders and you bring my heart to its knees"

 

Your face so unfamiliar at the time. My body shaking as I got closer to you, not knowing what to say. While sitting in my car I tried to imagine exactly what would happen. Decisions like Should I kiss him on his cheeks or lips? seemed to overwhelm my mind, it seemed so silly that after all the years of kissing your sweet lips, they now felt forbidden to me.

I was walking towards you with a smile on face, the kind of smile that makes me feel I can take on an army without letting them see not one sign of worry or doubt on my face. My eyes glowed with actual contentment, no amount of nerves could take away the feeling that my heart felt as I got closer and closer to you. My heart beating loudly as if calling out to yours. And there you were. The same face I've seen change over the years, that half smile that lets me know you're uncomfortable but glad to be there.

As I spoke to say "hi" my voice was but a whisper and you leaned in to kiss my cheek. For that second all the cells in my body felt aroused by your touch, your scent and I felt as though I could not move.

Don't feel like picking up the phone So leave a message after the tone...

 

I love this song and pretty much listen to it on a daily basis while I'm driving home from work... I like to pretend that my day "starts" after leaving work :) but I had never, not once seen the video until today and I can't believe how funny it is. 

[CUT-TAG="More Here..."]

"Tomorrow I'll wake up, do some P90X
Meet a really nice girl, have some really nice sex
And she's gonna scream out: 'This is Great'
(Oh my god, this is great)
Yeah"

Quote of the day: Smile =)

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
– Theodore Seuss Giesel

 

[CUT-TAG="More Here..."]

"You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you."

---

Three days to go! I'm actually beginning to get excited about leaving this place. I've learned a lot working here but at the same time I realize that it's time to move on. I've reached my limits. I'll continue to try helping others, in a different way. Hopefully in a more meaningful way, as this proved to be futile. 

I think that I'm going to really like working with kids as much as I didn't think so before. All I want to do is inspire people to be better to each other. 

---

Laying on the couch yesterday I realized something else that kind of blew my mind. So simple yet I hadn't noticed it. I was sitting there trying to figure out how to make myself forget about Eric. Whether I hate him for not loving me or if I wanted to make him see that he should love me...then I thought to myself, Kat he's not yours. He doesn't belong to you because you love him. Let him go, let it all go. So I am grateful as always for all the time we spent together, and now I'm at peace because as much as I love him I can't make him love me, it wouldn't be fair to me to keep myself in that state of mind. 

Things are clearing up some what. I was looking at myself upside down in a mirror and I couldn't remember who I was anymore. I lost myself . Going back to NY is bittersweet because I initially wanted to go back because I knew it would make him happy, now of course I have a million and one other reasons.

 

 

Life is ours, we live it our way.

it's raining really hard, i always love it when it rains this way. i can't believe that in a week i wont be here anymore. Everything that i set out to do here was accomplished...far more than what i imagined happened and i'm better for it. i pray to God to protect my heart, thus not allowing changes to transform me into someone i don't know. [CUT-TAG="More Here..."]

currently listening to: 

i Officially declare this season OVER!

For far too long I thought that strength was suppresing my feelings and going on about my business as normal, but in the end long run i broke down ... and NOW it's time to stop. This is the last time (i hope) that i'll let it out again. Time to start my Happy season ッ

---

...in my life, and it's hard because you were my best friend. You know my deepest fears, things i can't even say outloud to myself. & now you're gone and i'm just supposed to be okay with that.

You told me so and then you kind of took it back, and I was desperate enough to accept that. I thought that you at least respected me & in some way valued our friendship. [CUT-TAG="More Here..."]

 

 

Of the same arguments, the same feelings of despair, missing you, wanting you, trying to get closer to you. Last night i felt ridiculous and i thought to myself Kathy have more self respect- stay away. This time I knew it was really over and i finally feel like i can breathe.(

"Cause something changed, you were acting so strange
And it’s taken it's toll on me"

"Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I’m seein myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought I'd say
I’m fine,
Without you"

 

and maybe i'll be able to fool myself into thinking that this never happened.

---

 

"I set fire to the rain,
and I threw us into the flames,
well it felt something died,
'cause I knew that that was the
last time, the last time"

"Sometimes I wake up by the door,
that heart you caught must be waiting for ya."

---

 

 

What are the three most important things to you?

1. Knowledge, which encompasses formal education as much as the lessons we learn from life and each other.
2. Companionship, or else what would we all be doing here? Family, friends, significant others...
3. Love, for ourselves, and everyone else.   

All that time she was silent still.

There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you.

On the nose.

"Disappointed because her hopes have not come to pass and she fears coming up with new goals will only lead to further disappointment. These conflicting emotions lead to a feeling of anxiety and depression. she tries to escape into a peaceful and calm relationship which offers encouragement and protection from further disappointment."

 

They read me like a book. I've been thinking like this a lot lately, which is very unlike myself, I just don't see the point in getting my hopes up any more.

:(

no matter how much i try to entertain myself so i can forget about you, i cant.

Why are all men that I encounter spoiled?

Ladies I need your advice! Now I know that I've been out of the "game" for some time now but is it just me or do guys not know how to keep a conversation going without saying something a bit extra. I'm certainly not a prude and many times guilty of flirting but like I just wanted to say hi. See what you're about maybe get to know you. I dont know but many of my conversations go something like this: Now keep in my mind that this guy has "poked" everyday for the last week and the only friend in common we have is my older brother.

• ME: so are you going to say hi or you're just gonna keep poking me lol
• E* Lol...hi gorgeous
• ME: lol how are you?
• E* I'm ok .a little thirsty right now.. Lol
• ME:you should do something about that 
• E* Only ur lips can take my thirst way;)
• ME: wow that's a bit much to take in, it's our first conversation.

So was I fcuked up for saying that? 

About a boy,we'll call him... J

A couple of weeks ago, through a series of unprecedented events I met a boy. He is almost of a different breed and as much as I'm not ready to let myself get caught up in emotions I find myself wanting to be around him. He's sweet, very honest, fun and really likes me...a lot. Which may be the primary reason why I enjoy myself so much when with him, I mean who doesn't like being praised. [CUT-TAG="More ramblings here..."]

I was clear with him from the start, told him that we should get to know each other but he continues to push for emotions out of me. He doesn't know how much I think things through and how things have to make almost perfect sense to me before I can accept them. I almost envy his ability to trust his instincts. At the same time, it's not me, not who I am and I can't betray myself in that way. He wishes I would fall in love with him and talks of a future that my mind wont process. 

I'm still in love with my ex. I feel it in my heart. Although that's not a river I plan on swimming in ever again, it's hard to let go of that idea when it was part of me for so long. Also there's an unequivocal feeling inside of me that still hopes he will do something gallant and maybe things could work out. but that's just how I am.

J is not without fault. I do not intend on making him out to be a king, but it is a relief from the usual. I always feel like people want something from me, and I'm often able to figure out what it is right away but with him it's not like that. He doesn't want me to leave, but he's willing to visit me. Unfortunately that's also not something that I see happening in the future. As selfish as it may be, I don't want any strings. 

My reasoning is not in trying to keep my options open, quite the oppose in fact. I do not plan nor hope to be with anyone any time soon. For the first time in my life I feel like my future is a blank canvas. I can do anything I want with it without making room for anyone else. I don't have to worry about going to school to satisfy my mom, a boyfriend, a job, nothing at all. I am deeply thankful to my mother for providing me with this opportunity. I rather see this as a chance to figure out who I am and what it is that I really want in this world as opposed to calling it quits and failing. 

Anyways I am in a way thankful for J. In no way shape or form to I wish to be selfish...but I must admit that it helps.

 

Why can't life be simple?

I really don't know what's wrong with me. I've had a hard month, although in a way it's been the most fun I've had in years. But do I really want things to be this way? All this drinking and smoking, meeting new people, going to different places, watching the sunset and sunrise every weekend...It's exhausting. Granted it's not like it's been that wild but it's been more so than in a long time and some people keep pushing for things to escalate and continue this way. NO! I need my sleep. 

I went on a date yesterday [CUT-TAG="More Here..."] and the guy is supppeerrr sweet. I don't know if God is messing with me or what, but I always told my ex that I wanted him to be a little more romantic and show more passion and blah blah blah, but this new guy is almost suffocating. He's extremely honest (or else he's full of it) and everything that he feels he says. He's kind of pushy though and to the point that I'm turned off by it. Sure I want a guy to tell me he loves me once in a while and how much they can't live without me and need to see me....but not when it's only the third time I hang out with you.

He has gentleman qualities, and seeing how much he likes me only helps my self esteem but at the same time I'm not looking for anything serious and he is. I rushed into this and I really don't see a nice way out but lets see how it plays out.

 

-_- Kat

anger

I have so much anger and rage inside of me that I feel as if I am going to split. I have to act all well behaved but everything is getting to me. And I want to yell at the top of my lungs and tell the whole world to SHUT THE FUCK UP.

*sigh*

maybe I'll move to Canada and change my name -_-

My Future Boyfriend ♥♥♥

A curious human from a well-ordered but loveless future, P-A-X-497/341 (aka Pax), played by Barry Watson, returns to the year 2011 to satisfy his curiosity about such archaic concepts as love, passion and winds up making his own discoveries when he meets the woman of his dreams, Elizabeth Barrett, portrayed by Sara Rue, a newly published romance novelist.
When Pax doesn't return to the future by the given deadline, Bob (Fred Willard), his fellow scientist, travels back in time to find Pax. Meanwhile as Elizabeth is helping Pax learn about love, she ends up confiding in her colleague, played by Valerie Harper, about her own upcoming "surprise" engagement.
 

---

When I first decided to watch did movie I must say I did not expect to like it as much as I did. While I am a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic, a movie with a plot like this...a man from the future travels to the past to investigate what LOVE is and finds more than he was hoping for...really? 

well I found myself profoundly curious as to how the movie would develop and it did not disappoint.

There were two definitions of love given and both are strangely very close to the feeling that many of us have given into only to come out of it feeling destroyed and in most cases, fighting to find again. I wonder why it is that I personally find it almost innate to search for someone to fulfill the longing to love and be loved. I think I speak for most of us when I say that Love, in truth cannot be explained, it must be experienced first hand, and it is the most exuberating feeling that I've ever experience.

Movie Quotes on Love:

"Love? it must be dangerous. the love condition is some kind of virus which apparently made people act in strange and illogical ways, causing in some occasions obsessive dementia. It is now also thought to have been one of the root causes of all the suffering in the world."

"Love: it's something that happens when you meet someone that you feel deeply connected to and it's not like that connection is a product of anything intentional but rather something outside of yourself, something that you can't fight. Something that was meant to be. Something that makes you wish you could live forever so that you would never have to live without it."

In my opinion: Very on point...too bad that love alone cannot or rather SHOULD not be the sole basis of a relationship. In order for relationships to be successful, it requires much determination, commitment and patience. However, no matter how many times I fail, I believe in the purity of love and will not cease to pursue an opportunity to pursue it. In fact, I'd plunge right in.

Xoxo, Katherine